I stumbled upon this beautiful piece by Heidi Priebe:
As long as there is love, there will be grief. The grief of time passing, of life moving on half-finished, of empty spaces that were once bursting with the laughter and energy of people we loved. As long as there is love there will be grief because grief is love's natural continuation. It shows up in the aisles of stores we once frequented, in the half-finished bottle of wine we pour out, in the whiff of cologne we get two years after they've been gone. Grief is a giant neon sign, protruding through everything, pointing everywhere, broadcasting loudly, "Love was here." In the finer print, quietly, "Love still is."
It hit me like a truck. So let's try something different today.
I was quite comfortable when I had nothing. Whole world was against me (or so I thought), there were no relationships to maintain, no obligations, no commitments. I don't think I can say I was happy, but I guess I was content. I was used to the adversity, but there was hope that through my skills and work, I'll improve the situation. The potential was endless, the opportunities plentiful.
Guess what, I did improve the situation. Potential fulfilled, some opportunities exploited, some abandoned.
And surprisingly, I was happy. But in the happiest moments a deep sadness hit me. And I couldn't figure out why. Everything was great, I worked hard, I got where I wanted to be. This is what I wanted, why am I still sad and anxious about this. It doesn't make any sense. My brain is stupid, I am stupid. Why can't I enjoy all I worked so hard for. It's a joke.
And this short text finally gave me an answer. It's grief of time passing. I don't want this moment to end. I don't want this situation to change. Never before I was truly happy with myself. Now I am. And it's good and correct that I realize this.
But deep down, I know, that this situation will change. It won't last forever. Up to a quite recent time, that was a good thing. Now it's not. And it's good and correct that I realize this. It makes me value the present moment that much more.